My Husband

My son came to me Wednesday night to bring me some medication for a surgical procedure I had done that day.  During his visit, he randomly ask me if I had his Daddy's blue brush?  I told him it was probably somewhere around there; I would look for it.  He also mentioned the white brush his Daddy had and ask me to look for that as well.  He said he was letting his hair grow out a little. 

Moving forward to Easter Sunday, I am sitting at the vanity drying my hair when I start to open drawers and cabinets looking for the brushes.  I found the blue brush, just as he left it.  It had dust on the handle and his hair in the bristles.  I put the brush to my nose and immediately got the scent of Gibson's hair, and began to cry.  At that very moment, the song playing on my CD player was, "The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face".  I've told our children how I sang that song to their Daddy on the beach, not long after we met.  I knew long before he did that I loved him, and yet he grew to love me more than anyone can imagine, even me.  I sent my son a text message and told him I had found the brush.  He responded with, how about the white one?  I told him, not yet, but explained my phenomenon with the smell of the hair.  I asked him if he wanted me to remove it, or did he want it.  He never answered me.  This is a Goodys brush, probably cost two bucks, so I'm desperately trying to figure out the significance to my son.  I put it in my purse, and met Hunter at church and later, at Bonnie and Roy's.  I told Kristen about it, and while Hunter, Danielle and I were taking pictures, she smelled it, but said it smelled like my purse.  She too remembered the smell of her Daddy's hair.  I picked it up, and no longer did I smell his scent. 

I tried to give it to Hunter, and he said, "later, Mom".  I asked again what he wanted me to do, and he said, "do what you need to do Mom".  He's such an amazing son.  I drove home, pulled into the garage, pulled the brush from my purse trying to decide, do I leave it in the car, or take it inside?  Once again, I put it to my nose, and the scent was back.  You see, this was just for me today.  It was not meant to be shared with the children yet. 

What is my message?  I am so darn analytical.  I don't think things happen by chance.  Is he just letting me feel his presence, or is their something I am doing that is disturbing him?  Is that my own guilt?  Gibson was a very jealous man in life.  I have to believe that in death he would want me to be happy, but I know he loved me so very much he would never want to see me walk into the fate of pain and misery.

I am such a blessed woman, and I mean that with all of my heart and soul.  I love my children so much; they are amazing.   I ask myself, why Lord, why is that not enough?  Why am I lonely?  Why do I long for touch, and love?  I shall keep asking, and I believe God will show me the way...