Liberation

I have spent the day deleting all of the comments and post titles, or post that referenced a specific person or persons, since the first quarter of 2011.  I can honestly say, I am totally embarrassed, ashamed, and incredibly sorry, not so much for one, as for the other.  Most of these postings I have erased from my memory.  They were done out of hurt, anger, "love", hate or bitterness, and very often accompanied by good ole' Pinot Grigio, my friend when I "was involved"...

I was prompted by the Holy Spirit today, as it has been nudging me for years to free myself from the bondage from within I am held.  Today's message was true, and steadfast; "For this is commendable, if because of conscience toward God one endures grief, suffering wrongfully." - 1 Peter 2:19  

Billy Graham correctly observed, "Most of us follow our conscience as we follow a wheelbarrow.  We push it in front of us in the direction we want to go."  To do so, of course, is a profound mistake.  Yet all of us, on occasion, have failed to listen to the voice that God planted in our hearts, and all of us have suffered the consequences.

God gave you a conscience for a very good reason:  To make your path conform to His will.  Wise believers make it a practice to listen carefully to that quiet internal voice.  Count yourself among that number.  When your conscience speaks, listen and learn.  In all likelihood, God is trying to get His message through.  And in all likelihood, it is a message that you desperately need to hear!

I can blame all day long, but in the end, I am responsible for my own actions.  I knew what I was doing was wrong.  I also knew that you can't change a zebra's stripes, so to suddenly believe another was a fallacy, one I wanted to hear to justify my own needs and desires.   As much as I would like forgiveness from the one who follows my Blog, she does not hold the key to the gates of heaven.  I have asked; what more can I do?  

My daughter called me a little while ago and I told her what I was doing and what surprise I had encountered.  Her response, "Are you kidding?  That's why I hate your blog so bad?" See, I know God will forgive me with a earnest and faithful heart, now I have to pray that my children forgive me, their Mother, for becoming someone they didn't know.  

It is time I truly forgive myself, and let the past be the past.  My dear beloved husband, Gibson has been gone almost eight years.  It is also time that I started living life again, in whatever fashion that God sees fit for me.  

I am yours, Heavenly Father.  Use me as you will.  

Paula Smoak